It hurts so much.

A lot has gone on this week and I feel like I need to talk about it in a blog post. It's probably not going to make much sense because my head is still spinning and I am still hurting.

The depression hit me hard this week. I went downhill fast and I wasn't coping with anything at all. I began taking more valium and codeine than I should have to deal with my emotions and to try to block the depressive feelings I was having. Things continued to get worse and by yesterday I was at my lowest point. I had taken so much prescription meds I was slurring my words and having constant suicidal thoughts. It was time to put my crisis plan into action and head to hospital.

I spent some hours in there, and they decided not to admit me. They believed I was not a danger to myself and let me come home. I've spent the last 24 hours thinking constantly about how it would be so easy to just give up on life and end it all.

 I don't understand why it hurts so bad. I wish I had someone who understood because even though I have a wonderful support system, I feel so alone.

xx



A spot of scrapping.

I've got a couple of pages to share today that I created earlier in the week.

I scrapped this picture of my girlfriends and I when we were in Adelaide visiting the cheese and chocolate factory up in the Adelaide Hills.

I've also been taking inspiration from Ebony Van De Starre and her circles and negatives and layering them with other embellishments. Lots of washi tape and label stickers used here.

Thanks for stopping by.

xx



Square peg, round hole?

Another diary entry of sorts here today. I'm having an internal struggle with who I am at the moment and it's torturing me inside. I'm in a place where I don't know which way to turn, I'm being pulled in two directions and I'm lost as to which way is the right way to go.

I feel like a square peg being told to fit into the square hole, when I really just want to fit into the round one like everyone else. I'm going to try and fit into that round hole even if I have to bend myself out of shape to do so.

I read this book, "Dying for a Cure" by Rebekah Beddoe and it really got me thinking about what has gone on with me this past year or so, what I've become, how I got to this place. Is this all reality or has something gone wrong along the way to get me to this point. Are my medications really neccessary or are the actually making me sick.

I have some big decisions to make very soon. I just need to calm this anxiety running through my body about which path I should be taking and trust in myself to make the right decisions.

xx

Scrapping again!

coming to you today with yet another layout I've created this week! I seem to be on a little roll...

I've been using some more of Charm's fabulous flowers..

and a heavenly heart as well as some more D-Lish washi tape!

I love using my Martha Stewart butterfly punch to punch out washit butterflies at the moment!

xx



Scrapping just cause'

I've been feeling really great this week and of course when I'm in this mood my creativity just seems to flow freely! I pumped out a couple of layouts yesterday just because I wanted to scrap!

I've used some of Charm's Creations fabulous flowers and also some D-Lish Scraps resin flowers, heart and washi tape on this layout

I also took some inspiration from my friend Ebony Van De Starre in using circles and negetives on my layout

xx



The Ups and Downs

Firstly, I'm sorry if yesterday's post sounded like a big "boo hoo poor me" fest. I didn't mean for it to come across that way, though when I re-read it back it sounded like I was looking for sympathy, which I wasn't. I want to thank everyone who left a comment because you really made a difference to my day.

Anyway when I am not under this cloud of depression, I guess I see things alot differently. I have also realised how selfish I have become over the past year, while concentrating on myself so much I have neglected the important people in my life and relationships with them. It's no intentional, but once I withdraw into my depression it seems I see nothing but myself and my feelings.

It's hard riding this roller coaster. I have been rapidly cycling for a year now and it's one hell of an exhausting ride. I have just recovered from another depressive period, for me they seems to occour every few weeks at the moment. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders because I have no one I can fully rely on for help. I felt exhausted from mental anguish but was so apathetic I could not even cry. I felt like I was falling to pieces and just hanging on by a thread. I would have admitted myself to hospital but I couldnt even find the strength to ask anyone to help me so I just suffered.

This is me suffering.

Now two weeks later I am fine. I'm not sure how this will last but I try to enjoy every good day I have and repair those relationships that fall apart when I am not well.

To be bluntly honest. I think Bipolar will eventually kill me. I will die from this illness because no one can continue to live like this forever. I don't see myself in a rocking chair on a front porch happily sitting there laughing with my husband. I see myself being tortured until the day I decide to actually take my own life. But until that day, I will fight through the depression the best I can and grasp every day of happiness possible.

xx

Is being open and honest all it's cracked up to be?

I'm not so sure anymore.

When I started talking about mental illness on my blog, it was a way to release everything that had been going on in my life, my inner turmoil. Slowly it became a way to document how I was feeling and my direction of treatment. Now it's becoming more informative, trying to educate as many people as possible about mental illness and it's affect on my life.

Being open with these issues always comes at a cost. I believe I have lost friends over the past year. I guess they weren't really friends in the first place but nonetheless they were people in my life that couldn't handle my issues and became more distant in my life. People who just didn't want to know.

Less creative people now visit my blog. A blog that once flowed with my creative juices now has a much smaller amount of posts about scrapbooking and far more about Bipolar and depression. I have gained many followers though because of the subjects I blog. Topics that most people would not dare to share and be so open about.

Still I feel my little ole' blog is not fulfilling it's full potential. It's lacking something or maybe I am trying to hard to do something I just can't achieve.

I feel I have scared away people because of my honesty.

xx